Change Is Inevitable

Posted by Kathy Torrence on Dec 3, 2007 in Family Stuff |

“If we can recognize that change and uncertainty are basic principles, we can greet the future and the transformation we are undergoing with the understanding that we do not know enough to be pessimistic.” — Hazel Henderson

I’m not a big fan of change. And I’ve certainly gone through some big changes in my life. At the time, many of them seemed intimidating, if not impossible. But when I now look back with the benefit of hindsight, I can see that most of them led to something wonderful – different, but wonderful.

I am about to undertake some major changes in my life. And I’m sure that they too, will eventually lead to something wonderful. Unfortunately, as I stand on the edge of these changes without the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, I’m just not sure what that ‘wonderful’ will be.

I just have to put my faith in God and know that He has a plan for me. Being the control-freak that I am, I wish I could know exactly what that plan is; but for now, I have to be content with the fact that I am not actually in charge (no matter how much I kid myself that I am) and that these changes will lead me to live out my purpose.

So here we go – I am hoping to return to work part-time after the beginning of the new year. Not as an artist, jewelry designer, design team member or professional stamper (if there is such a thing) – but as a software engineer. My education and professional experience are in software engineering, and I think it’s time to return to my field.

Emily is in kindergarten now and I must contribute not only to our family income, but also to my own personal and professional development. I don’t have a firm job offer yet, but I have been investigating several leads and I hope that one will soon develop into a software engineering position for me at the FAA Technical Center.

I will also continue to teach the Computers and Society course at Rowan University. I have re-discovered how much I enjoy teaching and have committed to teach this course again during the spring semester.

That’s correct – in one year, I may go from being a full-time stay-at-home mother to a working mother with two jobs. Now that’s change.

Perhaps the engineering position will not develop – maybe I will not receive a job offer. And that’s okay – it’s part of the “me not being in control” mantra I mentioned earlier. But have I mentioned that I’m also not a big fan of uncertainty?

But wait. I have another change. Regardless of the job outcome, I have decided not to continue as a business-oriented Stampin’ Up! demonstrator. I will remain as a ‘hobby’ demonstrator and will still be able to take orders, but I will no longer hold stamp clubs, classes, or workshops.

Obviously, if I do get a software engineering position, I will not have the extra time required to prepare for these events. But even if I do not get a position, I still feel it’s time to move on.

I put a great deal of time, energy and money into preparing for my classes. But the end result is no longer gratifying. I make very little monetary profit from these events, if any at all. In fact, I actually spend more money as an active demonstrator just to keep the newest products and other needed supplies on hand.

Many members of my stamping group have now reached the point where they don’t need me to demonstrate projects or techniques for them anymore. They are perfectly capable of finding them online, in magazines or books and figuring them out for themselves – which is great, don’t get me wrong – I love to see their own creativity blossom.

It is, however, somewhat disheartening to put a large amount of effort into preparing for classes and then receive criticism about my work. Maybe I’m just not cut out for the world of subjective art – it’s too personal for me.

I have to admit, it was very encouraging to interview for software engineering positions and feel as though I truly have something to offer to an employer and that they, in turn, can appreciate all I have to offer. I have years of experience working in software project management, development and maintenance and can apply this experience to a variety of engineering positions. As I spoke with the various groups, I felt confident for the first time in a very long time.

I felt the same confidence when I began teaching again – I realized that I could offer my experience and insight to students that were about to graduate and enter the field of software engineering. I remember when I mentioned to someone in town that “My students actually look up to me like I am someone.” The person replied, “Wait until they find out that you’re not.” Ouch.

As a stay-at-home mother, our actions are most often not appreciated. Our work is endless, non-stop and we are usually taken for granted. The end result of doing a good job is not seen for years and years and even then, we second-guess ourselves as to whether or not we have actually succeeded. We always feel that we could have done a better job.

But as an engineer, we have tangible, concrete results for our actions. We receive job reviews and pay raises to prove that we are doing well in our job. Not to mention the financial benefits from working as an engineer – a large part of why I am even considering returning to work.

Through the years, I have been either a full-time working parent, a part-time employee or a full-time stay-at-home mom. I have seen all sides of the dilemma and know that none of them are perfect. As a full-time working parent, you feel guilty that you should be at home with your children. As a stay-at-home mom, you feel guilty that you should be contributing to the family income. And even as a part-time employee, you feel guilty that you’re not doing either job as well as you could.

But the most difficult critic that we find as mothers is other women. Stay-at-home moms criticize working moms for not spending enough time with their children. Working moms criticize stay-at-home moms as ‘lazy’. Is it no wonder that we feel guilty all the time?

I wish that women could support and encourage other women to do whatever works best for them. Some moms don’t have a choice but to work – others don’t have a choice but to stay home.

Consider a mother who gives up her valued career because she feels that it is the ‘right thing’ to stay home with her children. What if she comes to resent her children and remains angry and bitter during the time she spends with them? Wouldn’t it be better for the children to live with a fulfilled, content mother who gains strength and confidence from her career?

On the other hand, consider a mother who forces herself to work so that she can continue to live a certain lifestyle. She may spend her time at work longing to be living a simpler life at home with her children. Wouldn’t it be better for her children to live a life without extravagant extras so that she could live a fulfilled life with them?

I always encourage my college students to consider that decisions in life are rarely a simple “black-and-white” evaluation – most situations remain in shades of gray. I’m going to try to embrace the grayness of my situation and let it work out the way it is meant to be..

“That’s the risk you take if you change: that people you’ve been involved with won’t like the new you. But other people who do will come along.” — Lisa Alther

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