Hello – My Name is Kathy and I’m a (Pre-)Diabetic

I had a followup appointment with my doctor today to go over the results of my bloodwork.

The good news is that my cholesterol is fine.

The bad news is that my A1C was not (the indicator of blood sugar over the last few months).

The surprising news is that at my appointment today, my doctor prescribed me a blood glucose monitor.  Since my A1C was above normal (and based on some of the additional symptoms I described), she wants me to monitor my blood sugar – especially in the mornings.  But it wasn’t THAT high – which is why I’m surprised she wants me to go that far.  I picked it up at Target today – had them put it in a bag so no one would see me walking out with it (like it’s some big, dark secret).

The doctor also wants me to sign up for diabetes education classes – 3 hour classes once a week for 3 weeks.  I have no idea how I will fit that into my schedule.

And before you say it, I know that millions of people live with diabetes and do it well. However…

I do not like to go to the doctor’s (previously, I haven’t been in over a year – and that was just for strep throat).  I get very frustrated in the waiting room, watching the time tick by while I sit waiting for a previously arranged appointment time that NEVER holds true.  I hate taking sick time at work – today, I had to walk out of a very heated meeting early to get to this appointment.  Why can’t they schedule appointments at times that are convenient for ME (the paying customer)?

I do not like going to the pharmacy on a regular basis.  Same reason as the doctor’s office.  Phone calls…paperwork…waiting…I used to hate it when I had to have my birth control prescription filled once EVERY SINGLE MONTH.  I am also facing a lifetime of high blood pressure medication as well – I don’t need to run up my health insurance premiums.

I do not like things (especially chronic illnesses) that are high maintenance.  Thinking about everything I eat…taking my blood sugar every day…scheduling regular doctor visits…who has time for that?

I will not consider joining a gym – gyms causes extreme anxiety for me – I feel like a fish out of water.  Organized exercise brings up painful memories – in school, I was always the last kid picked in gym class.  Walking into a place where I am sorely inexperienced and have no idea how to operate the machinery – or even which machinery I should use, for how long, how often…just thinking about it makes my palms sweaty.

Can I be a little sad?  Can I feel a little guilty – like maybe since I put on so much weight, this is what happened.  I feel like a failure – I will get this disease because I am undisciplined.  And lazy.  And fat.

I should mention that my father is a diabetic as were both of his parents, all of his siblings and most of my cousins (oh – and the high blood pressure comes from my mom – thanks, parents!).  But right now, this inheritance logic is not appealing to my emotional side.

I also know that the good news is that it’s manageable.  It’s not stage 4 lung cancer like my brother.  I won’t even bring it up to my parents – this is nothing compared to that diagnosis and treatment.

I just need some time to accept and adjust…